Visiting Grief During the Holidays

When many people think of “the holidays,” it evokes feelings of heightened joy, excitement, and anticipation. You know – sugar plums, holiday cheer and all!

But not for everyone.

Many have heavy hearts and are feeling crappy amidst the Christmas cheer.

For instance, those of us who have lost someone might be feeling an emptiness. Whether we expect it or not, some of us are visiting grief during the holidays and it can plunge us into sadness and longing for what was or what could have been.

My personal experience

I remember the first Christmas after my son died… in October (2011)… by his own hand. Mistakenly, I thought that Christmas would be no big deal because we didn’t celebrate that holiday.

Wrong.

Watching families out together expressing glee and joy brought that very fresh grief raging to the surface.

Now that it’s been five years I mistakenly thought that I could breeze through the holidays.

Wrong again.

Thanksgiving was tough. I missed Jon’s physical presence. And now that we are in the throes of what’s supposed to be, “the most wonderful time of the year,” I feel the ever-present tear in my heart. 

Side Note: Our language is so interesting – that 4-letter word, TEAR, has more than one meaning. One – a rip, pronounced TARE, can be the catalyst for the other – the watery fluid from the eyes pronounced TEER. So the tear (rip) produces the tears (from my eyes).

Tools to help deal with the grief

Here are a few tools that have helped me feel the grief but not get pulled under by it. I hope they are useful for you too:

1. Talk about it. Years ago I discovered that just talking about my feelings helped. But sometimes I forget (how human of me!) and kept my sadness and grief bottled up. Recently, I experienced lots of missing feelings and my dear friend asked how I was doing and I answered her honestly, telling her how sad I felt. After expressing my feelings of grief and loss I actually felt better. Getting it out verbally helped lighten the weight of those heavy emotions.
2. Journal. Try some stream of consciousness writing and give the words permission to flow. You don’t have to show anyone your writing – you can keep it in a private journal for your eyes only. Again, allowing the words to come up and out of you, in your journal (or with another person), helps lighten the heaviness.
3. Breathe. When we experience deep feelings, we sometimes have a tendency to hold our breath or not take full breaths. Try taking a full breath now. Just focus on your breath and take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Exhale with a sigh – letting some of those feelings flow out. Repeat. Repeat.
4. Cry or Scream.  If you can find a private space that won’t disturb anyone (maybe in your car on an empty street), let yourself scream, rant, and rave. If there’s no private space to do it, imagine yourself screaming – with or without words. (It’s surprising how just imagining yourself doing something can be as effective as really doing it…that’s the mind-body connection.) Or perhaps just allow yourself to have a good cry. Finish by once again taking a few deep cleansing breaths. 
5. SourceTapping® – you can go through the whole tapping sequence (get the script at SourceTapping.com) or just tap on the grief points – two finger widths below your collarbone. After the grief has been diminished, tap in peacefulness or whatever feeling you’d like, and allow a Pleasure Breath (inhale deep into the belly; exhale with a HA sound and a smile on your face). Repeat the Pleasure Breath two more times.
6. Do an act of kindness. It could be as small as smiling at a stranger, or perhaps holding the door open for the next person. Or maybe you’ll want to volunteer at a food bank or the Salvation Army, pick up someone’s lay-a-way tab, or donate toys for needy kids. 
7. Imagine connecting with your loved one. If you could communicate with your loved one, what would you say? You can write it out or just have the thoughts go through your mind. Then allow yourself to imagine receiving comforting words in return. The following is my recent dialogue:

Me: "Oh, Jon, I miss you so much - I see families being
together and enjoying each other and your not being here
hurts my heart." (tearing up as I said these words in
my head). 
Jon (what I imagined hearing): "Mom, I am so sorry. I
love you so much. I wish you weren't sad."
And then I felt (imagined?) his hands rubbing my
shoulders; I took a deep breath and felt better.

Know that you are not alone with your grief and that there is support on many levels.

I am envisioning wrapping you (and all the grief-stricken folks) in a warm, cuddly blanket…of love.

For more tips on enjoying the holidays, check out “More Joy, Less Stress.”

Many Blessings,

The post Visiting Grief During the Holidays appeared first on Stop Eating Your Heart Out.